Imagine this:  You have recently become engaged, are planning a beautiful wedding, and are looking forward to spending the rest of your life with your “soul-mate” when she suddenly tells you she wants a pre-nup.  From my experience, nothing can burst a romantic bubble more quickly than this.  Suddenly, you are forced to think about legal and financial matters that seemed at best irrelevant and at worst harbinger of the end of this “perfect’ union before it has even begun. Does this legal document have to be so devastating to you?  Are there ways to consider such an agreement that can make it more acceptable and less emotionally challenging?

In certain situations, a pre-nuptial agreement seems reasonable and easier to accept.  When older couples marry, there are issues regarding inheritances to gown children and/or grandchildren, which most people would agree are valid.  But what about the younger, first-time married couples where one chooses to protect assets in case of a divorce—how can this be incorporated into the romantic notion of “happily ever after”?  It is helpful to think of marriage as a commitment between two autonomous individuals who choose to join together.  Each brings their life experience to this new entity, including financial assets.  Most people would agree that it is helpful to hold on to some aspects of our earlier life, such as friends, hobbies, or cherished keepsakes, et al., when we begin this new union.  Can we look at prior financial gains in this way?  It may help some people to marry if they realize they do not have to give up all that came before.  If there is a wide discrepancy in income levels, it may also be reassuring that we have been chosen out of love, not because of a hefty bank account.  In the course of a lifetime together, we will hopefully build financial assets that belong to both partners, but it may not be comfortable starting this way.

Underlying all this is the idea of entering into a relationship where we respect our partner’s needs and desires even when it occasionally makes us uncomfortable.  Of course, this works both ways, and it is important to share our ideas about the pre-nup and what it means to us.  Then begins the important work of negotiating between these two sets of needs to arrive at a mutually comfortable compromise.  If handled well between the two of you, this decision about a pre-nup can be a model for handling divergent needs that inevitably arise, even with the most compatible couples.