Most people enter into marriage with the assumption that they have found their life partner. Yet, with more than 50% of marriages ending in divorce, many are shocked, surprised, or dismayed when this is not the truth. How and why does this occur?

In my professional experience, I have seen marriages ending in 2 general ways—the gradual erosion of love and commitment or the sudden, often traumatic discovery of a betrayal in the form of infidelity, addiction, or even abuse.  Many “endings” result from a combination of these two as well—one may have endured years of unhappiness and reach a “breaking point” after too many disappointments.  Sometimes, an event external to the marriage, such as the death of a parent or sibling, can push a fragile marriage to its demise.  It may also be the reality of our mortality that plays a role in this decision in these cases.

I find it helpful to apply the model of the five stages of grief to the end of a marriage, which, after all, is a kind of death: of a relationship, of hopes and dreams.  The feelings described are denial (“It is not that bad), anger (“How could she do this to me?”), bargaining (“If I got a better job or we moved et al.), depression (“I feel hopeless about my life”), and finally, acceptance, which, unfortunately for some, never comes.  As with grief, these are not discreet stages but instead, feelings that blend into each other.  Since two people are involved, each may experience these feelings at different times, leading to confusion, false hopes, and acting out, particularly anger toward the spouse.

In my clinical practice, many individuals sought advice on whether or not to end an unhappy relationship.  Often, a case of “too good to leave, too bad to stay” was presented to me.  Of course, no one can make that decision for someone else, and I would rarely voice a point of view (except in cases of abuse or refusal to treat serious addiction.)  As adults, we each decide whom to live with and when to end a relationship that no longer works.  Many cited responsibilities to children and fear of “breaking up the family.”  Some decide to wait until their children leave home.  A recent study suggests that divorce has the most devastating effect on college-age children who perhaps see their parent’s entire relationship as “a lie” or may have misplaced guilt at causing their parents to remain together.  There is no perfect age to split up a family, and there are consequences at each stage of development.  Ultimately, I think children do best being raised by parents who have decent satisfaction in their own lives, including with their partners. We are always teaching by example, including the very important one of a healthy relationship.

So, what role do feelings play in ending a marriage?  Feelings are mercurial—they change frequently, even from minute to minute.  It is common to have intense negative feelings toward the person we live with.  As I often remark, love and hate are not necessarily opposite but rather two strong feelings that frequently co-exist toward those we are closest to.  I have found that prolonged feelings of indifference toward your partner are much more likely to indicate that the relationship is damaged beyond repair. Unfortunately, many couples wait too long to address negative feelings with each other and, as a result, reach this stage of not caring. I have seen many people come to a couple’s counseling at this point when one has already made the decision to end the marriage and is merely appeasing the other in so doing.  My recommendation is to try to address persistent negative feelings with your partner and/or a professional early on to determine what if any, behavioral changes can be made to improve the relationship.  If this is not possible, reach the stage of acceptance as soon as possible.